If we could talk again

As a young child, I was fortunate to grow up in a strong, tight-knit family. Sometimes a little too close for comfort. Everyone always knew everyone's business and I guarantee that has not changed one bit.

The family motto, and when I speak of family I mean my mother's side of the family, is "family is all you have." When my sister and I would fight, my grandmother would lovingly counsel us with these words: "You and your sister need to stop fighting. You are all each other has. Remember that." Remember it, I did.

My immediate family is growing smaller and the way in which that makes my heart hurt is almost unbearable. My grandparent's are both passed away. My grandfather leaving us recently at the beginning of March. March was a trying month.

As ridiculous as this may sound, I am still grieving the loss of my grandparents. They meant so much to me and sister. We were raised in their house, by their rules, by their culture and by their love. I wish so badly that I could talk to them. I wish so badly that my mother could spend a little more time with them. The pain my mother is going through hurts me so much.

The only thing that gets me through these difficult times, aside from friends and family, is my belief in the unknown. I have to believe that there is a new life beyond this life and that we will all be together again as a family. If I didn't believe in "eternity", this life for me would be a very, very sad life. I just cannot believe that when our physical life ends, that's it. There has to be more.

I want to close this blog with words to my grandparents-
I am sorry for not calling you or visiting as much I should have. I was selfish. I'm sorry that I did not know how to really say goodbye when I saw you both for the last time. The right words escaped me then and escape me now. I miss you both so much and I wish you could be here to meet your great grandchild in the flesh. I know that he would give you so much joy. Thank you for everything and your never ending love. I love you both dearly.

It's easy to be hateful and forget to share love with those around us. Let us be vigilant in sharing our love with the people in our lives-frequently and daily.

Until next time.

Good Tidings for the New Year

I opened two fortune cookies today. One said, "Happier days are definitely ahead for you." and the other, "Look forward to a great fortune and a new lease on life!"


Tonight is the last night of 2010. What a relief. A new year brings hope. For 2011 and barring unforseen circumstances, I will remain resolute in all of my plans. 2011 is bound to hand me a couple of lemons. I will turn said lemons into a tasty glass of juice. Let the fun begin.

Peace and love to all.


We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.-Buddha

Messed November, Blessed December

Where to even begin-

2010 is coming to a close and I'm sitting here on my couch, pondering my life and what it has become. What have I done? What have I become?

Well for one, I finished the dreaded Master of Arts degree.

Two, I successfully managed to manage my severely increased workload.

Three, I was a good wife to husband who had a traumatic near death experience.

Four, I did things to become 40 lbs. lighter.

Five, I have sewn up part of my broken heart caused by a very tragic family death.

Six, I have become a very generous person-the generosity seems to be manifesting itself regularly, unselfishly, and naturally.

Seven, I became very depressed and managed to pull myself out of that depression, even though the beast still haunts me at times.

Eight, I have become a better writer and editor.

Nine, I have become a better pianist and photographer.

Ten, I have decided to stop tolerating and start doing.

November was 30 days of pure, uninhibited torture for numerous work and family related reasons. Much was learned and two sets of skin were thickened. December, granted only nine days in, is already shaping up to be better than the previous 30 days of hell. The month of the Advent is always sweet for me as I recall dear memories of being with friends and family. I feel very blessed in this month to have a new mindset-stop tolerating and start doing. Husband and I will not be able to be with friends or family this Advent season. Instead of become dejected, we will make the most out of our time spent together- just the two of us.

I am fervently prayerful and deeply believe in the power of prayer because I have seen it work. Every single night I pray for my friends and family. I also give thanks for what I have- all that I have. Food, house, car, animals, friends, family, job, etc. If you are ever in a state of self pity, stop what you're doing and give thanks for what you have. Just do it. The more I have done this, the more I realize that I have everything I need, right now. I need no more, I need no less. Not everyone is so lucky to have what I have, even if I think what I have, blows big ones.

I hope that this holiday season finds you and your family well. May light and love be present in your life at all times.

Be merry and give thanks my friends.

Goodnight.

Sticks, stones, and paperbacks.

Money is going to be the end of me, and it is certainly the worst thing that has ever happened to society. Will I ever have rnough to buy a new, not used car? A house? Enough for decent cable? Enough to have a family? Enough to pay student loans and still live comfortably?

Venting is good for the soul. Let us hope and pray that all our money woes turn to dust.

Goodnight.

Generally Speaking

A three day weekend. Much rejoicing will be had.

Generally speaking, I dislike almost every human being on earth-including myself. How do we earthlings put up with ourselves? We are all a bunch of selfish, pretentious, smelly, annoying, outspoken, passive, aggressive, idiotic humans. It is no wonder why happy pills were invented. We must take the happy pills in order to put up with people's ridiculous, non-sensical bullshit.

Sleep tight dear world.

Taking it to the Grave

Tonight I revealed a secret to the person that gave birth to me. It was not an easy thing to do, but I did it. I cried after I told her because it was a highly emotional experience for me. I also cried because I loathe keeping secrets from her. Even when I try to keep small secrets, she knows because she's a mother. I do not normally keep things from this woman so you can guess that this secret was eating me up inside for a couple of years. Tonight it came out and she took it better than I expected her to. When I told her, I asked her to please keep it it to herself and do not tell anyone else. She still loves me and asked me to never keep things from her again. Why am I so afraid to tell anyone else?

Another person who was so near and dear to me, left this world without knowing what my secret is. How long will I let this continue? Is it something that I will take to my grave?

Do you have something you will take to your grave?

Sunday

I have decided that I am going to do diddly squat on Sundays. No dishes, no cleaning, no laundry, no public outings or trips to the store (unless needed). I am going to sit on my couch, eat when I feel hungry, read until I fall asleep, wake up when I want, wear whatever I want, play around online for however long I want, and be down right lazy.

America, let us all just take some time out of our ridiculously busy lives and just rest. Can we do that? If we all just took some time to do absolutely nothing and rest our minds and bodies, we would be more likely to get along, make flower chains, and have peaceful community camp outs that include sing-a-longs and marshmallow roasting activities.

On a similar note, the government needs to mandate a nap law that would read something like this: All businesses must require their employees to take 20-30 minute naps during their work day. A nap during the ol' 9-5 would be highly refreshing and I am positive that more people would buck up and be more productive folk.

This has been my ramble for the day. I have thoroughly enjoyed my Sunday doing nothing.

May the force be with you this lovely night.